Over the years, the subject of children’s play time has become a combustible issue. Curiously, parents tend to get more upset over their child’s on-field playing time — or lack of it — than children themselves. I think it’s because many parents have the attitude: “I’ve invested in my kid’s sports education and I expect a return on the investment.”

Unfortunately (or fortunately as is probably the case!), parents don’t get to make decisions about playing. Coaches decide. However, there are some measures you can take to help yourself or your child deal with the issue of playing time.

There are four principles to bear in mind:

Be self-aware. Be aware of your biases, where you lack objectivity, and so on. For example, is on-field/court time really an issue for your child, or is it more of an issue for you? Are you secretly trying to live out your dream of sports glory through your child? Or do you harbour dreams of witnessing your child make it big in sports — maybe even turn professional?

It’s hard for parents to be objective about their children. After all, they’re our children and it’s natural for us to think they are the most deserving. But it’s also our job to help them face challenges, which requires teaching them to look at life objectively and realistically.

It’s also pertinent to note that over the past two decades, there’s been a gradual shift in sports from “we wanna have fun” to “we gotta win”, and with this shift, sport has changed dramatically. Bobby Orr, former Canada ice hockey star, wrote some years ago that too many local hockey programmes were overlooking the fact that the vast majority of kids who play are average. Orr stressed that it’s axiomatic that most kids are average players.

But that doesn’t mean they enjoy playing the game any less. It means their playing careers will be shorter and  they should get the most enjoyment out of their game while they play. Planning about getting to the next level and turning pro shouldn’t be a parental ambition. Children should be encouraged to go outdoors, play and simply enjoy the experience.

Use straight talk. Let your child know where she stands in terms of ability, pecking order, and career possibilities. Of course, advise her about how to improve to be awarded greater on-field/on court time. In this connection, it’s appropriate to note management guru Stephen Covey’s observation to the effect that “the cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals”. Therefore, if your child doesn’t have the ability to make it into the A league, you won’t be doing her a favour by avoiding the issue or encouraging her to think that she could.

Children are remarkably capable and resilient. They can not only do more than we think they can, they understand more than we believe they do. Therefore it’s better to confront realities and work with children to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations.

Express confidence in your child. You don’t have to say, “I’m confident you’ll win,” especially if you believe she doesn’t have the ghost of a chance. It’s better to say, “I’m confident you’ll do your best.”

People — especially children — respond to confidence. They try their best to live up to the image others have of them. I remember the story of a father trying to teach two of his daughters skiing. As a young, inexperienced parent, he adopted an ill-advised methodology to teach his elder daughter. “Don’t do it like that!” “Bend your knees!” “Don’t you remember what I told you?” Unsurprisingly, the elder daughter didn’t learn well and didn’t take to skiing.

Therefore somewhat older and wiser, with his second daughter he took a different tack, using praise instead of criticism. “Amazing how quickly you got up after you fell down! It’s quite a job to get back to an upright position on slippery skis, you did a great job!” By focusing on her achievements — even if they are as minor as buckling her boots by herself — he was able to make skiing into a positive, enjoyable, confidence-building experience.

Communication is key. Be mindful you don’t become an authoritarian parent who believes she’s always right. When there’s a difference of opinion, accord the same respect to your child as you would to a guest in your home. If your child says, “I never get to play!” don’t counter with, “What are you talking about? You played eight minutes in the last game.” Instead, show empathy and discuss how to improve the situation. Even if the situation doesn’t change much, your child knows that you are on her side. Much of her burden will be lifted by sympathy and understanding.

If you follow these four principles, you’ll dissipate much of the stress related to playing time. In addition, you will be giving yourself and your child more opportunities to enjoy and learn from sports. Remember, the ultimate goal of sports education is for participants to enjoy the experience and feel they gave it their best.

(Dr. George A. Selleck is a San Francisco-based advisor to EduSports, Bangalore)