For more than 25 years I have been designing, developing and, most important, implementing sports education programmes for coaches and parents. I regularly solicit views of parents and coaches relating to sports opportunities their children are availing today. Their views on the subject tend to be confusing and disturbing.

• “Today’s young athletes have such great coaches, equipment and organisation, I wish I had these opportunities when I was a kid.”

• “One of the reasons I coach my kids is because I was a pretty good athlete myself as a youngster — but I had some pretty bad coaches along the way which prevented me from transforming from good to great.”

• “It’s a shame girls weren’t given the chance to play when I was young, because I was a natural athlete. I only hope my daughter takes advantage of all the possibilities that sports offers young women today.”

What I perceive in these comments, is a subtle but underlying message revealing the unfulfilled dreams of coaches and parents. Yes, of course, they all want the best for their children. But it also seems fair to ask: is their prime motivation to have their kids achieve the goals in sports and life that they themselves couldn’t attain a generation earlier?

Perhaps the most important lesson to be learnt by coaches and parents of young athletes, is that as children continue to climb the ladder of achievement in the world of sports, they must consciously separate the dreams of their wards from their own. A coach might see a young athlete becoming a star goalie of the soccer team, but in his mind, the player may be hoping he’s just good enough to make the team and nothing more.

As a parent or coach, you will naturally play an active role in your ward’s development. And it’s only natural that you have a desire to not only steer them over the rough paths of childhood, but also to enhance their enjoyment of playing sports and games — especially if they exhibit exceptional talent in a particular activity. Having said that, there’s definitely a point when, as mature adults, coaches and parents need to ask themselves whether they are letting children pursue their own dreams — or subconsciously forcing their dreams upon their children and mentees.

Parents pressuring children and pointing them in a direction they are reluctant to go can adversely affect the parent-child or coach-trainee equation. Very often, the loud-mouthed, over-bearing parent or coach of a young athlete is someone who doesn’t see his child or ward getting a bad call or a raw deal from the game official or referee, but sees himself and his own ambitions being thwarted. This whole issue becomes complicated because most children and youth will tell you they enjoy playing sports, and that they especially enjoy doing well because it “pleases Mom and Dad or my coach so much”. There’s certainly nothing wrong or improper about youngsters doing their best to win the approval of parents and coaches. But they primarily need to play for their own pleasure and self-esteem. And sadly, it’s at that point when friction can erupt between a coach/parent and a child. It’s a fine line — but beware — it definitely exists.

Deeper reflection of why parents and coaches lose sight of the fun and exhilaration of sports and focus on living their dreams through their children, provides some beneficial insights. While parents and coaches admit that children need to play for fun and not just to win, many are not aware of what fun means in the context of sports. During my workshops I often say, “Let me make you an offer. If any of you can give me a good definition of fun, I’ll sign your certification card and you’ll be on your way.” After 12 years of making this offer, I am still looking to get a satisfactory answer. To be honest, there is no right answer to this question. Search for the answer will provide some insights into what children term as fun. But more importantly it will wean adults away from the tendency to impose their dreams and aspirations upon their children and trainees.

So, what can parents and coaches do to ensure that sport is a pleasurable activity for children?

Here are some suggestions:

• Let your children’s dreams be their own

• Be sensitive. Listen carefully to what children and youth say about their dreams relating to the world of sport

• When reviewing a game with children and wards, focus on the part they (not you) enjoyed

• Praise the effort your kids made, not the outcome.

Parents and coaches should never lose sight of the fact that the prime motivation behind sports is the sheer thrill of playing the game and for players to realise their own dreams and expectations. When sport becomes a drudgery, a perpetual quest for medals and is no longer fun for athletes forced to work towards achieving somebody else’s goals, the desire to continue to invest in the activity is quickly lost.

(Dr. George A. Selleck is a San Francisco-based advisor to EduSports, Bangalore)