Over the years, I have received innumerable calls and e-mails from anxious school leaders, teachers, coaches and parents requesting me or my colleagues to evaluate or somehow assess whether they were pushing their children too hard in sports arenas and classrooms. That’s always been a tough call as it differs from case to case and necessitates observing leaders, coaches and parent(s) in a real-time game situation or family discussion. However, here are some general observations on this popular but complex issue.

If your child appears stressed out while playing or writing exams, especially when you are a spectator or discussing school work, you could well be causing her stress. Please note I am making a distinction between pressure and stress. I regard pressure as beneficial and stress the enemy of children and adults. Pressure is a fact of contemporary life, an inevitable by-product of the fast-paced jingle-jangle contemporary culture. To deny it is to simply kid ourselves. The art is not to allow it to control our performance  negatively. The more prepared we are to manage pressure, the better we can handle it.

Therefore pressure is not the enemy, it’s stress. And the latter imposes itself upon individuals when they are unprepared, or not focused on the job, whether it’s sports or academics. It strikes when we are cutting corners and looking for shortcuts. Stress throws us off balance when we are asked to do something we’re not fully prepared for, when we have too little time to do the things we need to do. It destroys confidence, adversely affects performance and often prompts bad decisions. It’s debilitating because we can’t perform well when we are stressed.

If coaches or parents tend not to respond or comment when you’re going on about how great your kid is, chances are he’s not as great as you think, or would like him/her to be, and they know it. Creating such false reality in your mind spills over into your expectations of your child’s performance, and prompts you to push your kid too hard, imposing stress.

Ironically, coaches and parents who wonder whether they’re stressing out their wards and children are usually innocent of this crime. It’s those who are completely squeezing the fun out of sports or opportunities to learn in school — at a wonderful time in children’s lives — who are the guilty ones. It’s easy to spot coaches or parents who put too much pressure on children on a field or in the gym. It’s obvious to people around them but not to themselves. Therefore you might be the stressor and yet not know it.

There’s a simple test to determine whether you are a stressor. If you accord great importance to everything having to do with your child’s life, and her enthusiasm or sense of urgency is not commensurate, then it’s quite possible you are a stressor. In view of this, the concept of pressure or push which is beneficial requires further examination because it can be positive or negative.

Coaches and parents apply negative pressure when they are:

• Controlling — constantly directing their students or children.

• Nagging — frequently complaining, criticising and correcting.

• Conflicting — provoking conflict which spreads to many areas and life issues.

• Condemning — regularly sending verbal and non-verbal signals that their child’s performance is not good enough.

On the other hand, wiser authorities apply positive pressure. They offer children

• Choices — several alternatives from which they can choose their preferences in sports, school and life.

• Challenges — children are provided challenging environments and are helped to overcome obstacles and difficulties.

• Collaboration — involve children in decision-making and planning.

• Support — to realise their (children’s) ambitions through conversations and body language.

In my experience, almost all successful athletes I’ve known reported that they were never pressured to play or achieve, and that their coaches and parents always let them play for fun and enjoyment. The fun kept them in play — not the demands of a busybody. And the more they played, the better they became and more opportunities came their way. They also provided evidence that if children are pushed to their limits, they quit playing altogether.

The message is clear — sport experiences belong to children. The question ultimately, is not whether to push or not to push, but something quite different. Since the relationship between parents and children is the single most important thing, the critical question therefore is:  “How do I consistently send the message that there’s nothing my child can say or do which will cause me to reject him or her?”

(Dr. George A. Selleck is a San Francisco-based advisor to EduSports, Bangalore)