The subject of children suffering the loss of loved ones during the pandemic when mourning rituals are truncated, support systems are inadequate, and the weight of social stigma is often suffocating, is insufficiently discussed – Punita Malhotra

In its second wave, which began in March, the rampaging Covid-19 pandemic is raining a second round of death and misery countrywide — 94,052 infections and 6,148 fatalities per day (June 12). The biggest untold story of the spiralling death toll is that hundreds of children have lost a parent, some even both, to the deadly virus. The subject of children suffering the loss of loved ones is insufficiently discussed especially when mourning rituals are truncated, support systems are inadequate, and the weight of social stigma is often suffocating. In this feature, we present advice from well-known child psychologists on ways and means to help and comfort children to cope with loss of a parent/sibling/grandparent and to build resilience.

Breaking the news

It’s difficult to break the news of a loved one’s death to children. Psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, executive director of the Laurel’s Center for Research on Girls, Ohio, USA, in an excellent advisory titled, ‘How parents can support their child through Covid-19 losses’ (unicef.org) says that age of a child is the most important factor to bear in mind when breaking such sensitive news.

According to her, for children under the age of five years, it’s important to first explain the very concept of death. “Very young children may be confused about what happened — both with loss and grief. They may not really understand what death is or understand that it’s permanent. We need to appreciate that really young children are not only dealing with dramatic changes in their lives, but that they often don’t entirely understand why these changes have occurred or what caused them,” writes Dr. Lisa Damour.

Children aged six-11 years react differently to death of a parent. “They are very eager for explanations. They are ready to understand what caused the great disruptions they are dealing with or the death of the person they love. And sometimes we can give them the answers they are looking for, and sometimes we just don’t know — and that can be very hard for them.”

In case of teenagers, Dr. Lisa Damour says that they are likely to experience intense emotions and doubts/fears. “For teenagers, the process is intense, because adolescents experience very powerful emotions. They need reassurance that the intensity of their grief or even the moments where they forget or don’t think about the death of the family member, are all normal and expectable, because teenagers can worry that they’re not having the right reaction.”

Dr. Damour warns that children who lose a parent often experience bouts of disbelief and shock. It is common for them to wipe out traces of memory connected to the event, which is a normal human defence mechanism against intense pain and trauma. Youngest children tend to get regressive, clingy, and experience erratic sleep schedules.

Clear communication

Dr. David Schonfeld, director of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement at Children’s Hospital, Los Angeles, believes it’s very important for parents/adults to communicate the news of death of a loved one with clarity and transparency. His 3-point advice:

Clarity. While breaking the news, speak clearly and slowly, taking pauses for 3-5 seconds between sentences, allowing every bit of information to sink in.

Candour. Youngest children are literal in thoughts and expression, so avoid euphemisms such as ‘Grandpa has gone to sleep,’ or ‘Dad passed away’ or ‘We lost your Mom’. This will create confusion. Be direct about the permanence of death and say, ‘I have to share some very sad news. Your parent has died. Her body has stopped working, and we will not see her again. But you need to know that she doesn’t feel any pain, is not hungry or scared.”

Comfort. Children need to know how or why a loved one died, without having to digest the intricate details of the illness. But, they also need to be reassured that most people do not die until they are very old. Balancing information will ensure that they accept death is inevitable for all, and not a disaster.

Listen with empathy

The natural tendency of adults is to dominate difficult conversations with children, attempting to advise from experience. But while processing grief, children don’t need answers, they need a psychologically safe environment which makes them confident of sharing their emotions, says Professor Gregorio Billikopf Encina of the University of California. He advocates an empathetic approach, which he believes works as ‘listening first-aid’. His 3-step recommendations:

Encourage children to express themselves. Ask open-ended questions to encourage children to share their vulnerabilities. For example, “How do you feel about all these changes in your life?” Reflect, validate and sum up the child’s response in your own words, “It sounds like you are scared/sad/lonely/worried. Looks like it has been a lot for you to handle.” Keep the lines of communication open by prompting her to tell you more about her anxieties.

Give your uninterrupted attention. When a child is pouring out her heart and confiding, you need to give her your full attention. Ensure that there are no distractions like a phone call and no breaks in the discussion. Ideally, it should be a one-on-one interaction, without anyone, even siblings, so that children can talk openly.

Offer sympathy. If you and the child have lost someone in common, it is a good idea to share your feelings about the person, how much you miss her and what a loss it is to you. This will make the child aware that she is not alone. As tempting as it may sound, refrain from saying, “I know how you feel.” Instead of conveying empathy, this adds pressure on the child to handle the situation like you are doing, which is not helpful.

From bereavement to healing

Some children respond to loss and grief through negative coping mechanisms such as shrinking into an emotional shell, paying little attention to grooming, suffering prolonged low and cranky moods, taking to substance abuse and suffering depression. In such cases, seek professional help of a paediatrician, family physician, or counselling specialist. Healing is not a quick process, but with time, patience and sincere love, children can be steered out of bereavement towards inner peace, positive energy and hope for their lives ahead.

Also read: Death of a pet profoundly impacts children