Setting and subsequently ensuring rules are followed is not easy, but it’s an essential parenting duty, writes Aarti C. Rajaratnam

One of the biggest parenting errors is “I am a good parent because I give my child complete freedom.”

Freedom must be conferred responsibly. Children learn responsibility within rules and regulation structures. When a child doesn’t follow rules, she may not be able to initiate or sustain peer relationships. She may not be able to cooperate and collaborate in getting team tasks completed. Setting and subsequently ensuring rules are followed is not easy, but it’s an essential parenting duty.

Here’s how to make rules work for your family:

1. Set rules and boundaries, and encourage children to follow them without advising, nagging, comparing, belittling or punishing them. This is the first step towards nurturing emotionally well-balanced children. Children are not born with inherent capability to follow rules; it’s learned behaviour. They will appreciate rules and routines that are predictable and bring rewards, appreciation and acceptance.

2. Drawing up a rules book does not guarantee compliance. Rules are merely the framework for nurturing good behaviour. Appreciate compliance, without expecting perfect outcomes. Nor should rules be set in stone. Provide children choices within the rules framework.

3. Children will manipulate rules because they expect that certain behaviour and/or chain of behaviour gives them certain rewards. To unlearn and learn new behaviour takes time. Therefore, before positive changes kicks in, negative behaviour will escalate and if you are consistent in supporting the direction of desired change, children will learn that the new behaviour gains them your appreciation, approval and support.

4. When you “give in” at the slightest hint of resistance to change, often demonstrated as tantrums, crying, screaming, blackmailing etc, children learn more ways to control you, thereby delaying and destroying your rules and regulations framework

5. Understand that every time you react to negative behaviour you are encouraging its continuance. Your reactions including anger signify that negative behaviour will attract parental attention. It will naturally increase. Better to be a parent who steers change by appreciating children’s positive efforts.

6. Explain that negative behaviour will have consequences, but ensure they are not too severe.

7. Speak with her school teachers and solicit their help in ensuring that she completes school work on time while also requesting teachers to provide understanding and support if your child needs remedial assistance.

8. Behaviour management-related rules are the same for gifted children. The only difference being that you will need to provide opportunities for them to learn new skills to utilise their higher intelligence.

(Aarti C. Rajaratnam is a NLP master practitioner, child psychologist, speaker and educationist, and bestselling author of Parenting: Innocence to Inner Sense)