There is a declining world market for words…. The only thing the world believes anymore is behaviour — Lech Walesa, Polish politician

I once asked legendary basketball coach John Wooden if he thought sports builds character. He replied: “It can. . . or it can tear it down. It all depends on leadership.” Does that mean your children need a good coach to grow and learn from sports? Not necessarily. Parents as well as coaches are leaders and teachers when it comes to their children’s sports experiences and trajectory.

Therefore parents need to introspect. Are you providing the type of leadership your child needs to learn the positive lessons of sports? As I travel all over the US talking to coaches and working with them to improve their skills, I make it a point to ask if there are any specific problems they would like me to help them with. Do you know what their number one complaint is?

Parents. Parents who scream. Parents who try to do the coach’s job. Parents who expect too much from their kids. Parents who care too much. Parents who don’t care enough.

As someone who has been both a coach and a parent of young athletes, I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I know that parents are in an awkward position. You want your children to do well. You want them to have good coaches. Maybe there’s hope your son or daughter will someday be offered a scholarship or become a professional player.

But with such hopes and dreams comes a lot of hard work. You’re a chauffeur, fundraiser, and cheerleader. In many cases, being a sports mom or dad is almost a full-time job. Under so much stress, it’s hardly a wonder that parents sometimes lose it. But if you intend to position yourself in a leadership role, you need to walk the talk. Remember, as a parent you are the most influential person in your child’s life. Coaches may come and go, but parents are there for the long haul.

Therefore the question arises: How to develop parental leadership behaviour ? Here’s my advice, for what it’s worth.

• Maintain a sense of balance. Don’t let your ego or aspirations get mixed up with those of your child.

• Teach your child how to lose well, and how to win graciously. Teach her to hold up her head even after losing, and to acknowledge her opponent’s effort after winning.

• Ask yourself what’s more important to you: that your child wins, or that she has an enjoyable learning experience?

• Exhibit respect for your child, the coach, and others involved in the game. Refrain from shouting negative or critical remarks at your child, other children or coaches.

• Appreciate and applaud good play, in whatever competition you or your child is engaged with.

Taylor Branch, author of Parting the Waters (1989), a prize-winning book about Martin Luther King and the civil rights movement, said that leadership often requires people to be “better than they should have to be’’. When African Americans were being abused, beaten and humiliated, they need not have remained non-violent. When Indians in South Africa were being abused and humiliated by the white supremacist government of the time, they didn’t have to be non-violent. When a store clerk is yelled at by a customer, she doesn’t have to be polite with him. But in all these instances, they were non-violent and polite.

There are many times in life as a sports parent when it will be difficult to take the high road and exhibit calm restraint. Maybe your child is at the receiving end of a cheap shot, or is warming the bench when you think she should be starting the game. These are times when you will be required to be “better than you should have to be,” if you intend to be the leader your child needs and deserves.

In the final analysis the best leaders are those who develop leadership in others. This means giving your child opportunities to suggest and try new winning strategies and gambits, encouraging her to solve problems on her own. Meanwhile your interactions with coaches, athletes, parents and others should help develop leadership qualities in them as well. Encourage them to take the initiative and think for themselves, instead of berating them for committing mistakes. Become a model of flexibility and calmness in pressure situations. This way you can shape your child into a leader.

As a parent, you have the prime responsibility and you are in the best position to shape your child into a better person on and off fields of play. Learn to be sporting, engage in fair play, congratulatory in defeat and magnanimous in victory. These are qualities that your child must learn to exhibit in sport arenas and playing fields as much as developing her physique, skills and talent in her chosen sport. So set a good example. Be a positive role model. Become someone who knows how to ‘walk the talk’.

Your child is listening. Your child is watching. Your child is learning.

(Dr. George A. Selleck is a San Francisco-based advisor to EduSports, Bangalore)